Finding Your People

By Natasha Chinea

On the first day of college, some students find lifelong friends knocking at their door. While others spend weeks feeling like outsiders, watching cliques form before they’ve even unpacked their bags.

For many, finding “your people” can be the difference between stress and confidence or isolation and belonging.

At schools like Flagler College, the social scene can be both a blessing and a curse.

According to Active Minds, a recent study of U.S. college and university students shows that nearly two-thirds of students report feeling lonely, a majority are concerned about their friends’ mental health and three in 10 report severe psychological distress.

For some students, like Criminology freshman Devin Haines, her friends literally showed up to her door.

The saying: “Opportunity doesn’t just knock on your door – you have to go find it,” wasn’t the case for her.

“Before coming to campus my biggest worry was not being able to make any new friends, especially starting in the spring,” Haines said. “I feel like in my case it was a gift to let luck play in my favor.”

Overwhelmed by nerves, she would’ve never expected that her future roommate and close friends would quickly walk into her life.

“The real story is that my friends found me by knocking on my dorm door on the first day of being on campus and invited me to hangout,” Haines said. “Since day one we’ve all been good friends.”

That experience, while unexpected, helped her feel less alone during a time of major transition.

“Without the people I’ve met, my college experience wouldn’t have been as good as it’s been,” she said. “I’ve always kept more to myself but having people around helps me break out of my shell to experience new things.”

Friendships like these are the ones that you always want to hold onto. But it’s friendships like these that, for the majority, take effort and patience.

So, what happens when it may not come as easily?

We have all heard the advice: “Just go out and talk to people.” But it’s never that simple. For many students, like Business Administration senior Andrew Mangeno, it wasn’t always easy.

For him, it wasn’t luck, but persistence that opened the door. What once felt cliquey and isolating eventually turned into a smaller, more comfortable circle of friends.

“At first it felt like everyone already had their groups, and I was kind of figuring out where I fit in,” Mangeno said. “I talked to people in my dorm and classes, but it didn’t feel like I had a close circle yet.”

Even after putting in the effort, Mangeno admitted there were obstacles in finding “his people” – the group that felt natural.

“A lot of people stay in their groups, which can make it harder at first,” he said.  “For me, it just pushed me to find people through shared interests, like fishing or working at Campus Rec, instead of trying to force my way into a group that didn’t click.”

Over time, Mangeno found his circle through Campus Recreation.

“I remember running a fishing event at the dock and afterward a group of us remained in contact and started fishing together frequently,” Mangeno said. “That’s when I really felt like I had a place here.”

For elementary education sophomore Jayde Dordel, she admits that it was hard to branch out and meet new people.

“Then, I didn’t have a lot of friends and felt like I didn’t belong, but this year I have realized that I need to get over my anxiety and put myself out there,” Dordel said. “I haven’t really been out and about or involved on campus until this year.”

Her shift in mindset changed everything.

“Now, I have many different friends, and any time I got out, I recognize at least one or two faces,” Dordel said.

Like Mangeno, Dordel found that persistence mattered more than luck.

“I definitely think it’s about putting in effort,” she said. “Yes, luck can play a factor in making friends, however, it’s the level of effort that’s put in to keep them.”

Still, her experience has taught her the value of close connections over surface-level ones.

“My friend Nat says, ‘I don’t love people, I love my people’ and that has really stuck with me,” Dordel said. “Being at college has shown me that not everyone is for me and that is okay. I would prefer to be close with a couple of real friends than a bunch of fake ones.”

Dr. Leonard Steverson, Flagler College’s associate professor of behavioral science says that he has noticed postive effects when students feel connected compared to when they don’t.

“A host of problems can develop when students fail to make interpersonal connections,” Steverson said. “For example, depressive symptoms can appear, or if already present, can worsen. And physical health symptoms are also a potential result of failing to form connections.”

According to Steverson, these effects became even more visible during long periods of isolation, when opportunities to connect were limited.

“During COVID, the disconnection was especially noticeable. I had one student who stated that not being able to meet in groups to discuss assignments was particularly alienating and anxiety-provoking,” Steverson said. “After this discussion, I started using more group-related activity in class.”

“Creating community through shared purpose has obvious benefits to individual- as well as social- well-being,” Steverson said. “Emile Durkheim- one of sociology’s founders- understood community as being something sacred, something that creates a condition of exhaling energy, which he called collective effervesce. This energy promotes we-ness, or a connection between self and society.”

In college, this sense of a collective energy often comes through shared experiences such as classes, student organizations and living in the same residence hall, reinforcing the importance of intentional community-building on campus.

“Creating relationships with only those who have similar interests, can create insularity,” Steverson said. “Diversity is important because learning about those different from us can promote a connection to humanity as a whole.”

The unfiltered truth? Not every picture may include you, but every frame teaches you something about who you are. Finding friends “flawlessly” may be great, but going the patience and effort route is just as great and is perfectly okay.

Lisa Sugarman, a nationally syndicated opinion columnist who writes about parenting and Gen Z, wrote to college freshmen in 2021: “Dear College Freshman, I see you. It’s only a matter of time before all the people around you will see you too. It’s only a matter of time until you won’t feel like you’re on the outside looking in.”

While Sugarman frames this message for freshmen, anyone navigating college life can relate to what she says.

Whether you’re a sophomore still searching for your circle, a junior feeling disconnected or a senior realizing friendships have shifted, belonging has no deadline and your story is still being written.