Something’s a bit squirrelly around here

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You just have to appreciate people who have the same twisted sense of humor you do. And my coworker, Mike, is much appreciated by me.

You can thank him for the “wobbly bits” blog and the one about the First Lady’s fashion faux pas. And now you can thank him for my commentary on psychotic squirrels. Yes, I said squirrels.

Apparently a pack of black squirrels (or a dray as it is called) attacked a dog in Russia last week. There are so many things about this story that make me simultaneously shudder and laugh.

First, the squirrels were black. As someone who grew up in the Midwest and has lived in Florida for most of her life, I have never seen a black squirrel. Sure I know they exist (thanks to Canadians and friends from the Northeastern U.S.), but I’ve never actually seen one.

Therefore, imagining a dray of black squirrels attacking a dog became like something out of a bizarre movie for me. It was like a combo of science fiction and a Godfather sequel.

In my “movie,” the squirrels had voices and names. (I’m pretty sure the leader’s name was Boris.) They were on a mission to rough the dog up to get information out of him on a cat who had killed one of Boris’ cousins. (Yes, I actually think about these things when I read odd news.) Unfortunately for the dog, the job went horribly awry and the squirrels ended up offing the dog to keep him quiet.

Second, and probably more important, was the horror movie that began to flash through my mind. According to the BBC report, these squirrels “gutted the dog.” Then they “scattered off in different directions, taking pieces of their kill away with them.” Scary, right?

It must have been like an Animal Planet version of Saw. Squirrels ripping away at the poor mutt.

But like all horror flicks, these killers had to have a motive, however psychotic that may be. Remember Michael Myers? He certainly had a bone to pick. And who could forget Freddy Krueger? He was all up in people’s dreams for a bit of vengeance. Even quiet little Carrie White was all about getting back at her tormentors for that pigs’ blood. The horror genre is rife with crazies seeking revenge. Think about it. Count Dracula was only tormenting Jonathan to get back his beloved from him.

But what about the squirrels? I mean what on earth could have possibly gotten the squirrels so riled up that they had to basically massacre this poor dog? Well, there’s good news. Scientists in the area have a suggestion — a pinecone shortage.

That’s right. Apparently you need to keep your backyard well stocked with pinecones or the squirrels will go after your beloved Fido for the protein. I’m telling you, those squirrel bosses are mean dudes. Just ask the dog.

Then again it’s highly unlikely that there are organized crime units of squirrels in search of a pinecone fix or psychopathic killer tree rats out for revenge. Regardless, I think I’ll steer clear of sketchy looking drays of squirrels, just in case.

Has anyone seen Boris lately?

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