I’ve got it: Let’s give everyone guns and get rid of the police

By Joshua Santos| gargoyle@flagler.edu

Hello world, I’m here to ask you to stop this madness.

The recent tragic episodes of mass murders by violent people with violent weapons has got to stop. I have the solution.

I propose that instead of increasing the number of men and women in blue in our nation’s wondrous public school systems, or arming teachers and lunch ladies with a 9mm, we just arm everyone in America and teach them all how to use them at school.

Everyone knows that when something happens once, it is bound to happen again and again and again. So it is important that we beef up security in those sectors to stop it from ever happening again.

It happened when the underwear bomber was caught. Because of those soiled explosives, the TSA now has to see you naked to fly. Ever since, we have not had a single underwear-based explosive take down a plane.

After 9/11, the government granted warrant-less wiretapping on American citizens to Homeland security. They now have extended powers for years to come, and probably know more about my Natalie Portman intensive search history than I do.

It’s time to take similarly extreme measures now to prevent future violent crime in school. But I don’t believe more police with guns around children is going to help this issue.

If we’re going fix this, it is going to start with teaching our nation’s future — the children.

Since children now have less recess time to run around and expend their child-sized energy, while not use that spare time at home to play violent video games while sitting in a basement slurping down Capri Sun. (Children still do that, right?)

And while we’re at it, maybe schools can take advantage of this and teach them how to use guns at an early age.

If we want to protect our nation’s future, it starts in the classroom — with how to load a magazine and stop a home invader. What is the point in having a single cop patrol multiple schools a day? If every school had a gun class, no one would mess around with them.

When I was in elementary school, I was forced to go on field trips to firefighter demonstrations. It was just a giant room with a fake house in it simulating a house fire. We would then take off our shoes and giant snow jackets and proceed to take turns in large groups to make sure we knew how to get out of a house fire.

I say we mix it up, use those same houses to simulate terrorists busting into houses and holding parents, dogs and grandma hostage. It is up to the children to do test runs through these houses and shoot the terrorist and rescue their family. It will be part of the FCAT and we will score them on it, just like they get scored for math, science, reading comprehension and civics.

When they are of age, they can get a gun license if they can prove gun competency. Then parents can buy children really expensive custom guns for their kids’ quinsañeras and we can televise it on MTV.

Since there will be 315 million people standing their ground — who have presumably passed their Gun Safety 101 course from grades 3 through 12 — what will be the point of police?

Let’s take back our country and help fix America before it is too late.