Analyzing modern day relationships

By Nick Michalski | gargoyle@flagler.edu

Recent conversation with my friend got me thinking about relationships. She confessed that she feels betrayed because her best friend hooked up and started to date a guy she had a crush on. Her hurt feelings imposed a question — Are we sluts?

This might be a very strong word, but doesn’t it describe our reality? Someone will say — “Yes, maybe yours, but not mine!” Let’s try to look at this from a distance and be little bit more critical about ourselves.

I have noticed that no matter how long we are in a relationship, or marriage — sooner or later, one side is looking for something different, someone else. What is really disturbing about this situation, is the fact the same person will say straight into your eyes that he loves you, and wants to be only with you.

Let’s take for an example my friend Jen, who is 28 years old, has been married five years and has a 3-year-old kid. But whenever there is a hot guy around, she goes crazy, starts flirting, changes her voice tone and simply forgets about being married. She admits she would do anything with that guy. I couldn’t help but wonder — what happened to the commitment she gave to her husband? Did she throw it on some dusted shelf after few years?

Do we really understand meaning of love and what it expects from us? I think that most people don’t realize what love is about. True, you have to compromise, sacrifice something, but what you receive in return is more precious than what you lose. You gain a person that would go after you at the end of the world- and probably few steps further.

For most people it is too much to ask for. Maybe it is just easier to give up and start a new relationship when the road gets rocky. I’ve heard many times I am a slut. Yes, I am, and so is that person who says so. The difference between us is that I’m not afraid to admit it.
All of us know that adultery — sex outside the relationship — is one of the greatest blows to a relationship, as well as a painful rejection for one partner. It is not about where it may lead. It is about where it has already gone, far from your focus on your relationship. Remember what you always expected from a relationship, and start considering the large, determined commitment that is absolutely necessary to design a happy relationship.

What is the harm in having a casual friendship with another person, when either is married? Surely, every friendship doesn’t lead to an affair. Yet we forget the emotional harm of relating to someone outside the marriage, when that same energy can be used to relate to our own partner.

And we only have so much energy. If we are spending it with coworkers or outside home, and then getting home and feeling exhausted to spend any precious time with our partner, that leads to emotional infidelity. We are relocating vital energy into the hands of others. Forget about where it might end up.

Relationships, after all, are about relating to another human with an intimacy felt with no one else. One of my friends says that a relationship is “commitment — sacrifice — love — understanding — forgiveness.”

“Love is like whiplash karma,” my friend used to say. You get back exactly what you give out. Your infidelity will affect your relationship for a long time. If you are willing to live with the possessive rage, envy and loss of liberty that comes when trust is broken, then proceed.
Until you feel stronger in yourself, firmer in your values, and sure that you actually want to be in a relationship, you shouldn’t waste another minute.

Loving someone isn’t just a matter of buying them popcorn and calling them pet names. It is having the responsibility of their heart in your hands. It is blending of worlds and sacred union of sensuality, sensibility and psyche.

Before you claim to love someone, you need to be honest enough to know yourself and love yourself. Don’t beat yourself up about one erotic hook up. Be a bit French about it and address the problem philosophically — “Fast Pleasures are easier than everyday love, but trust brings the deepest pleasures of all.”