Ambitions of my Old Self

Ambition. A Noun meaning: a strong desire to do or to achieve something, usually requiring determination and hard work.

Apparently, and according to other people, this is something that I have NONE of.

This is probably the first time in my life that I have been floored by what someone has said to me. (Perhaps I exaggerate, but at least one of the few times I’ve been speechless.)

I would like to tell YOU, (perhaps some other individuals may tell me otherwise if I am wrong), that I have lots of AMBITION.

There is so much to what I aspire to be. There are so many things that I want to do. There are so many things that I have done and I am happy that I have accomplished them.

Once, long ago when I was a young whippet of a girl, I had the ambition to play “school” at after school daycare. I was the hard-nosed “teacher” to my fake students. What is my profession now? ….Yeah… WHAP! Take that! Knocked one down in the Boxing Ring of Life.

Another time, as my little school friends and I used to play, I would play “house.” I will honestly tell you that I never thought I would even OWN a house. However…I own one. I also play real house and have a little boy and a dog run around who both make messes of things that I clean up.

I have traveled to some parts of the world. I WANTED to go to Costa Rica and go exploring, either by myself or with the few friends I had on that trip. I have been to Italy and Sicily. Although my mother will say that I was dragged there against my will granted my behavior at the time. I was 14. I thought all places were like the United States. They’re not. However, that does not stop me from wanting to go again. This time, I’ll definitely be more appreciative and know what to expect. I was “out to discover” Puerto Rico with my sister, her three kids (at the time) and our niece, whom I probably dragged against her will. I’ve been to the homeland of my other half, the Dominican Republic. I’ve been to Mexico to see the sights and also see where my grandfather was born. If that’s not ambition right there, then the accuser is incredibly wrong. Also, if I have paid for, let us say, ALL of the trips with the exception of Italy since I was 14 and lacked about $3,000, then something has to be wrong with the brains of the accuser. I had the desire to go to these places, so I paid to see them.

I have the ambition to see my house clean. It’s still a work in progress because as I mentioned above, I have a dog and a little boy to mess it up. Dog hair floats around. My son’s toys are everywhere, no matter how many times I put them back in the toy box, I always manage to trip on them. Dishes are in the sink a lot because my feet hurt from standing 10 to 11 hours babysitting grown children and telling them the conjugations of Spanish verbs and to behave.

If I don’t have ambition, why in the HELL would I stay after school for one week three to four hours a day to clean out the closets in my department head’s classroom? I threw my back out for the ambition of seeing how nice the storage closets would look. I was dressed in NICE clothing and I am sure I got cockroach guts in my nostrils and lungs.

I have the ambition to meet all of my father’s siblings that are still living and my Vallazza cousins from Ecuador, along with the Cordova cousins, too. I want to go to Argentina and Chile and Brasil and Australia and New Zealand – all because I want to see what those countries are like. I’ll get there someday. I just know it.

I have the ambition to explore. I love exploring. I enjoy the simple fact that I can get into my car if I want to and I can explore my neighborhood. Maybe even explore the city and the places I’ve not been to. Gee, even the state. I have always wanted to go to Key West, just to see it and the marker that says, “90 miles to Cuba.” I want to see the world’s biggest rubber ball, which if I am correct, is somewhere in the middle of Kansas. Nothing like going to my home state to see it. I want to go on a road trip with my mother to go see the places where Laura Ingalls Wilder lived, which by the way are Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, South Dakota, Kansas, Missouri and Florida.

If I did not have ambition, I would not have left Kansas City. Not just once, but twice. The first time, I told my mother when we went to St. Augustine for the first time, “I’m going to live here. I just know it. I’m going to go to school here and I’m going to get married here.” Yeah…that was over FIVE years ago. I was determined the second time (and this was before I met Ivan) that I was going to move back to Florida. Where am I now?

Although it was not the way I probably wanted it to turn out, I had the ambition to become a mom. In terms of sequence of events, I mean. I wanted to get MARRIED first, then have children. For the moment, it is not that way. Who knows if it’s ever to be that way? Only God knows, and he knows what is best for me. Perhaps the best for me is not where I am currently. I just have to wait and hear His call.

I have the ambition to be a screenwriter or a journalist blogger or just a plain author. I just know, unlike others who are impatient , that it’s in God’s time and not my own. He will make the way and I will be patient like I always have been.

I have had the ambition to relocate different places. I’ve been wanting to apply for a government job in D.C. or perhaps one in Atlanta. Better yet, I have had the desire to actually live in Virginia or Maine or California, although the latter may have to wait a LONG while. I have also had the desire to live in the Tampa area. I like it there. It’s laid back.

I desire to get my master’s degree. I would like to go to UF to do it, but that is too far for me to drive for a night class. UNF does not have what I want to study.

Perhaps the accuser does not see that I have had to put my ambitions on hold for my little one. Many times, people have the aspirations to do so much, but yet they are held back by things that may seem so minimal, but in their world, it is so much. It is like the big, fat elephant in the room that everyone feels and sees, but that everyone wants to ignore. It is all about being a little sacrificial.

I think what it comes down to is that we get so used to something and feel too comfortable to do anything else anymore. Maybe something happened in our lives to make us live “without ambition” or appear to. We become tired of the usual turn of events that we have become used to. The same hum-drum of life. This in turn brings me to a particular someone. She’s actually a conglomerate of several people I know, but it would take forever to describe them all.

Here was a woman who was once adventurous. She would take long trips abroad by herself until one day she met someone at a club dancing. She was a great cook. She would make cinnamon buns and pork chops for her siblings. She wanted to be a nurse, but had to put her plans on hold because she was expecting a baby and on top of that her husband didn’t want her “working” or going to “school”. After having her baby, she was going to nursing school. Nursing school ended up stopping because she then got pregnant again. She also had the aspiration to be a dentist or a representative for a company in sales. She had so many aspirations, but felt she could not complete her dreams because she felt she was anchored by her husband and kids.

After having kids, she would just feel guilty if she even went to the store down the street by herself. She doesn’t make her yummy recipes anymore because of criticism, (but I’m sure it’s due to exhaustion as well). I myself used to be a somewhat decent cook, but I have stopped due to the fact that I am tired and the food I would make would get doctored. You take so much time to learn things, and for what? To have your ambition crushed like a bouquet of flowers under feet. It’s like a slap in the face.

There are lots of women who feel this way. Their self-esteem has dropped, way down through the floor. Your self-esteem stays low until people come by and remind you of what and how you once were. The feeling of yore sometimes emboldens people and makes them feel like they can do anything again.

Perhaps I should be like The Bulldozer. Just plow ahead with my ambitions and dreams and not care nor be afraid of what others think about what I should do. I should be my completely blunt self again, completely. That would shock the socks off of a few choice people in my circle, but make my cheerleaders happy that my old self has returned.